Woman Target
Women. They have a propensity for manipulation I sometimes think. Perhaps, and I say perhaps; it’s an unconscious thing, but I have become a victim of the greatest manipulation of all time. I remember my girlfriend sat me down one night about TWENTY YEARS AGO at Tuscons, a bar in Greenwich, and she said and I quote “I need for me, to move to the next level in our relationship, but this is not an ultimatum”. End fucking Quote. Not an ultimatum? It’s the biggest one of all time. And so, not wanting to lose her, I with great trepidation agreed to marry her. I didn’t even ask her to marry me, I asked her to get engaged to me on a snowy ramp in Byram on New Years Eve of all things. Actually it’s not far from my new separated husband domicile. And she did in fact marry me, and now, she says, and I quote, “I’m not sure if I can ever love you again like a man, but what’s at stake is so important that we need to find out”. What the fuck am I? A fucking idiot? Not only is the writing on the wall, it is the wall. She wants to come with me and the kids to go to Target to get sheets and pillows and lamps for the separation casa. How sick is this? Making this a family outing is like inviting your friends to witness a suicide. What the fuck is wrong with this woman?
And what is wrong with me that I keep holding on? This is what I ask you, this is the question: am I being desperate because I was dumped first, or do I really want this to work? And either way, I feel in my heart it won’t. And here is where I get angry: I know in my heart she knows she can never love me again like I need her to, but she, a woman, knows, as a master manipulator, that this thing will go a lot easier if we do it in stages. Be it conscious or un, they do what they do, because it is their nature. I am becoming angry at women and I don’t want to be. But will one of you please, for the love of God, prove me wrong? I have never felt so used and so alone as I do right now. And what do I do with this?
I guess I have to shut down. Yes, that’s the ticket. What else can I do? I must become humorless around her, for why does she deserve it? I need to beat her at her own game, and manipulate HER to my unconscious gain. Which is what? My gain? Just to fuck. So that won’t work. So I need a new unconscious gain. I need a new unconscious gain. But I’m an ape, just released out of the glass; I don’t think like this, I’m out of my element. It’s Insidious. The only thing I can think of is to go get my separation sheets on my own. And deny the illusion, the manipulation, and my collusion in this web of lies. So it’s off to Target!
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I don't think that asking for what you want and then deciding 17 years later that you don't want it any more is really manipulation. People change. I have never stayed in one relationship for that long no matter what my original intention was. I can't imagine being with the person I was with in 1990. Thankfully I waited till my 47th year to get married and I still retained my own cottage on the property to escape to when when I need my creative space. Maybe you should be celebrating the success of surviving in a relationship as long as you did. What I've learned in staying relatively free all these years is that without a great deal of self love and ability to be happy while alone, we will never truly be happy in relationship. And that goes for both sexes.
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